Prejudice in the Gay Community

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. My only qualification to speak on the issue of prejudice in the gay community is the fact that I get it from both sides. I've been accused of racism repeatedly because I'm not outgoing and friendly to non-whites. It has nothing to do with skin color. I'm not outgoing and friendly to anyone. Everyone thinks I dislike them. So, I tend to get defensive when people charge racism. I appologize. On the flipside, I feel that people are prejudice because I live with an older man and don't work. Some of my feelings of persecution are justified. People talk about me when I'm in the same room, thinking I can't hear. But sometimes it gets to the point where I blame my relationship for every person that doesn't warm up to me and its just not always the reason. I'm hard to warm up to. So I also see myself overreacting.

My best friend in college used to complain about racism in the gay community and I couldn't see it. I thought he was blaming the color of his skin for everything. I never accused him of that, but I thought it. He used to say that people told him things like "I don't date black men." I didn't see that as racist at the time, just honest. Now people are saying similar things in the gay group I belong to, and I'm starting to feel guilty for thinking that it was okay. I should have been more supportive of my friend. I've twice been told by someone that they couldn't hang out with me because I was gay. They thought I wanted to date them. It's like saying "I don't have gay friends." I guess that's as close as I can come to understanding how it feels to hear things like my friend heard, though it's still not the same.

So now I've been informed that the gay group I belong to is racist. That it's a group for old, white, gay men. I agree that I don't see many women or young people. I never thought about racism. I guess I assumed that there aren't any out black people in the area because (in my observation) black people tend to be extremely against homosexuality. That's a very racist thing for me to think. I spoke on a panel in college, where a latino woman stood up and started a question with "we don't have gay people in the latino community..." I'm not justifying my assumptions about non-whites, just trying to understand why I have them. I'm probably saying a lot of racist things in this article, but I don't believe you can overcome prejudice if you aren't honost about your feelings.

I've never personally heard racist comments at our group. The prejudice I've noticed most in our group is toward transgender people and bisexuals. I've actually heard some stupid comments about them. I've been very prejudiced in these areas in the past. I didn't know a transgender person when my current best friend announced she was marrying a transgender male. Upon meeting him, I can't think of him as ever having been female. Maybe I should say having tried to be female. As for bisexuality, my first gay friend was a woman. When I found out she had married a guy, I felt like she was a traitor. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that we are all different. I can't (or should I say haven't yet) fallen for a woman, nor do I dislike having a penis. But I've since realized that we're not all the same. I don't have to understand someone to accept them. People don't understand me very often, either. I've been accused of not really being gay. I've been accused of wanting to be supported by anyone willing.

The thing about transgender people is they kept coming back to our group. We only have three, and there are many who don't come to meetings, but those three didn't give up. It's easy to put everything on the shoulders of non-whites and tell them to keep trying to penetrate our group but how can we change if they don't come. Maybe others are like me and think that non-whites are more homophobic. That's an assumption not a fact and assumptions are the basis for all prejudice.

I'm trying very hard not to say that I've dated as many non-whites as whites or that two of the best friends I ever had were black, but I have to, because the fact is that despite these facts, I'm still racist. I think of these people as the exception and not the rule. That's pretty terrible of me. I used to live in D.C. and work retail. I was one of 4 white people out of 30 where I worked. I've been the only white person at a party. If, despite this, I'm still racist, maybe its an incurable disease. We can aspire to overcome it, but it's a lifelong battle that never ends.

So what do I do about my prejudices? Well, I suppose recognizing them is half the battle. I've always hated the idea of trying harder to be nice to someone because of their minority status, because I want to treat people all the same. But I've realized that when someone is extra nice to me because I'm gay, I don't feel like I'm being treated different. I feel put at ease. Where I'm concerned I could be nicer to everyone. I always put it on other people's shoulders to make me feel comfortable. Perhaps it's time for me to start taking some responsibility for putting others at ease.

Living in the Past

Here's another piece on how things have changed since I was young. Stop groaning and read it. When I came out to my mother way back in 1991, it was because I had decided to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family. I knew he couldn't spend Christmas with us. There were tears, we decided my father could never know, etc. When my mother finally did tell my father five years later, he said: "I know." In fact, he knew before she did. Last year I told my mom that my best friend's husband was born with a vagina and she didn't even blink. When people find out I'm gay now, their reaction is "oh, that explains it." Nobody came out in high school when I was young. I was out in college but only to friends, although one of my male friends carried a purse, for no reason other than to make straight people uncomfortable. He was threatened with a baseball bat once, but it didn't deter him. I quickly learned that I could hang out with people that were outwardly gay because I didn't want to be the type of person who was ashamed of my friends. But I was still too ashamed of myself to do anything to draw attention to my own sexuality. I'm still a little that way. I'll defend my gay friends to the end but I won't defend myself. Anyway, these days being gay just isn't that big a deal. Young males are still homophobic and the whole religion debate is still around, but I sometimes feel like I'm living in the past. I still act like it's 1991 and I have to keep a low profile, when the truth is, nobody cares anymore. Oh you still have to be cautious. When you're alone in a Battlecreek train station and some rough looking people are discussing how JCPenny promotes "faggotism" by marketing pink shirts to guys, you might want to keep a low profile. But it's 2009 now, and I should be living my life without fear of what everyone else thinks. I need to catch up.